Quiet thoughts and reflection for Friday aka Rachel has been listening to emo music

Today has been a very peaceful, calm day of reflection for me and Meatwad. I know these serene days at home can't last since I've only budgeted to be out of work for 3-4 weeks.  But I will try to cherish these quiet moments at home listening to Johnny Cash, baking brownies and snuggling with this silly bunny for as long as possible.  When the time comes that I find something I am hoping that it is above anything, something that makes me happy or allows me to do good things in the world. I don't want to just leave my bunny at home for just any old job ; )

Meatwad is much noticeably a happier bunny here at the house opposed to the condo. He loves flopping over like a dog and snuggling up next to the fireplace. I think he's happier about the new space he has to hop around and discover and also happier that I am home every day to cuddle with him, feed him fresh kale and give him kisses and treats.

I am also a much happier person without all of the stress of living between two homes as I have my entire life.  It's exhausting having to drive an hour and a half through DC traffic to get home after work (especially with a manual trans in the stop and go) and ending up only having enough time to eat a quick dinner, watch some crap tv show and go to sleep. It's even more exhausting waking up at the crack of dawn and sleepily getting ready to make the hellish drive back into Maryland with every other miserable, worn down DC commuter.

That's not to say that I'm still not stressed. I am terribly stressed about money (even though I know I'll find something and it will all work out) I'm stressed about my dad and little brother living in Pasadena without me, I'm stressed about leaving a job that was so good to me for almost 5 years with people I consider family and feel so guilty about leaving my friends and family behind in another state. I know that is uber-dramatic and I'm only an hour and a half drive back to Maryland but it's kind of sad and scary knowing you can't just drive 20 minutes to the next city to meet up for tea or coffee with a friend. I can't go on an impromptu shopping date on a Saturday, or revel in the awesomeness that trips to the Eastern Shore for sushi, fried oysters, chocolate or outlet shopping with Gurgle brought. I can't do these things out of convenience but I think that on the other hand moments spent with loved ones will be more cherished.  Conversations will be much deeper now, dinners will be longer and spent with more intense communication and less simple filler talk.  When I go to Pasadena and visit my dad and Adam, I can take Adam out to get frozen yogurt and help my dad figure out itunes. I can have family dinners and when I ask "how was school this week?" I don't already know the answer.

When I go climbing at the gym I can actually focus on new routes, be happy to see all the faces I got to know and love so well again and not just feel like I'm rushing to get home at the end of the day and go to sleep before work the next day.

I will separate myself from the craziness that was my life before and I will be able to really listen, talk to and appreciate all of the people in my life.  I don't mean to say I took advantage of the people in my life, because I have always understood what amazing, beautiful people they all are, what important roles they play in my life and how incredibly grateful I am to have them as part of my life. But the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality will make me just that much more excited to see them when I get the chance to.  I think that although I am physically less present in the lives of people I admire, care about and love, ultimately, I will be able to be there for them in a much better way than I ever could before.

Will the sting of being so far away from everyone ever go away? Probably not, but I can begin to bridge the gap by doing things better. Remembering birthdays, sending letters, making actual phone calls (as opposed to an impersonal, informal text message) and being a better person, family member and friend to everyone.

Goals for 2013

I haven't really set a resolution for myself this year because I think they are somewhat repetitive in their ineffectiveness. Every year, in the spirit of the holiday and our new calendar year we create a new resolution for ourselves that we state between clinks of our champagne glasses and instagram pictures of our food and friends.

This year, I plan on setting goals for myself, lifestyle changes, and bettering life for myself and those around me. There are several things I want to do but the top 4 can have a great effect on the rest of my life.

1. Simplify

I live a life of overindulgence. From drinking too much coffee, eating too much chocolate, buying too many pairs of needless shoes or scarves or hates or clothes. I need to simplify my life in pretty much every aspect. I live in clutter. Right now that could be due to the fact that I don't have a lot of space. In Virginia, our condo is small and definitely not made to support 2 people living there full time.  Hopefully our house hunt will provide successful later on and that will help my lack of space and clutter problem. But I know that the change begins with me. You can buy a bigger and bigger house forever and keep filling it with stuff. I don't want to be a hoarder. I don't want to make impulse purchases, I need to appreciate each and every single item in it's entirety. I love my vintage pyrex collection, but I can't see the beauty of just one when it's in a stack of 100. Now that's not to say I'm getting rid of any pyrex, that's the one thing I'm not simplifying/decluttering this year. But I do plan on letting go of things, purchasing less, consuming less, and doing more with less. 

2. Being better with Money
 
This is something I have always struggled with. Neither of my parents really ever taught me the value to saving and to this day it is something I still need to master.  This, of course, goes hand in hand with my first goal. If I simplify my life, want less and buy less it will of course help me with money. I need to do this in my personal and business life. I still want to go out to dinner with friends, go shopping and buy ice cream. But I need to make less impulse buys and be more careful where and when I spend my money. I get excited and I find myself purchasing way more than I need or really want. I am a consumer and I want to break the cycle. This is a simple as not eating lunch out every day to limiting myself with a budget and a list of things I actually need/really want when shopping. Also, with my etsy shop, I need to learn self control. I need to establish that my paypal account is strictly business. It funds my business, is used to restock items, pay for monthly fees and any other additional items I may need for it, not for that adorable hat or camera bag I want on etsy.  I do want to make a profit and spend it on something else for me.  But I want to make sure I have a good chunk of change in that account before I splurge on something for myself. I think I want to save up enough to buy a new laptop. Using Shauns every time I need to blog, upload an item or edit photos is getting old and mine is so ancient and falling apart that it's depressing even to look at it, let along open it up and use it to work. I also want to be one of those little hipsters that sits in a coffee shop in Middleburg and edits photos that I just took in the countryside while listening to Band of Horses and sipping a latte. *shh don't tell anyone I'm a closet hipster*

3. Control my Emotions
This is not as simple as it sounds. I like to think that I make decisions based on common sense and logic most of the time. But the truth is, I am a big ball of emotions. I've done a decent job at work of making business and managerial decisions with a stone cold facade and minimizing the emotional input I add to my decisions. But in my personal and business (etsy) life I have a harder time. The emotional aspect will of course influence the first 2 goals (see how I'm already getting organized?!). By controlling my emotions I control my impulse buys, which in turn helps me simplify which then helps me be better with money. Yep, I can do many a thing by controlling my temper, desires and excitability.  I think that the majority of the problems in my life can be fixed or at least improved by stopping myself from getting emotional and approaching the situation with a calm mind. 

4. Being a Better Person
yes, I know. This is sort of all encompassing. We all want to be better people right? But I want to be a better person in several different aspects. I want to be a better friend, girlfriend, family member, employee, business owner, stranger and person in general. I want to make decisions that minimize the hurt or problems for other people. I want to also take action when I see injustices and do simple things that will better other peoples lives. This means not going crazy when Shaun and I have a fight. Always being there for a friend, helping and spending more quality time with my family(even when  they drive me crazy), working harder at work and with my etsy shop, and helping people I don't know in any way that I can. I think we complain a lot about other people. We place the blame on those we do not know or those we do know and say, "Well if they would just stop doing this or start doing this the world would be a better place." I want to get away from that. I want to stop placing the blame. I want to take responsibility for every stupid mistake in my life, take action when I usually would sit on my butt and do nothing. I want to do my taxes when I'm supposed to. Take a walk or a run even if it's cold outside. Procrastination, the bane of my existence. I need to change that. There are about a billion things I could improve about myself and I need to sit down, take a good hard look at myself and re-evaluate what I find important. Stop ignoring the things I hate but have to do and hoping that they go away. Start getting things over with. Start loving more and being angry less, taking better pictures but less. Simplifying, being better with money, working on my emotions and improving as a human being.

Happy 2013!