Friday, February 8, 2013

Quiet thoughts and reflection for Friday aka Rachel has been listening to emo music

Today has been a very peaceful, calm day of reflection for me and Meatwad. I know these serene days at home can't last since I've only budgeted to be out of work for 3-4 weeks.  But I will try to cherish these quiet moments at home listening to Johnny Cash, baking brownies and snuggling with this silly bunny for as long as possible.  When the time comes that I find something I am hoping that it is above anything, something that makes me happy or allows me to do good things in the world. I don't want to just leave my bunny at home for just any old job ; )

Meatwad is much noticeably a happier bunny here at the house opposed to the condo. He loves flopping over like a dog and snuggling up next to the fireplace. I think he's happier about the new space he has to hop around and discover and also happier that I am home every day to cuddle with him, feed him fresh kale and give him kisses and treats.

I am also a much happier person without all of the stress of living between two homes as I have my entire life.  It's exhausting having to drive an hour and a half through DC traffic to get home after work (especially with a manual trans in the stop and go) and ending up only having enough time to eat a quick dinner, watch some crap tv show and go to sleep. It's even more exhausting waking up at the crack of dawn and sleepily getting ready to make the hellish drive back into Maryland with every other miserable, worn down DC commuter.

That's not to say that I'm still not stressed. I am terribly stressed about money (even though I know I'll find something and it will all work out) I'm stressed about my dad and little brother living in Pasadena without me, I'm stressed about leaving a job that was so good to me for almost 5 years with people I consider family and feel so guilty about leaving my friends and family behind in another state. I know that is uber-dramatic and I'm only an hour and a half drive back to Maryland but it's kind of sad and scary knowing you can't just drive 20 minutes to the next city to meet up for tea or coffee with a friend. I can't go on an impromptu shopping date on a Saturday, or revel in the awesomeness that trips to the Eastern Shore for sushi, fried oysters, chocolate or outlet shopping with Gurgle brought. I can't do these things out of convenience but I think that on the other hand moments spent with loved ones will be more cherished.  Conversations will be much deeper now, dinners will be longer and spent with more intense communication and less simple filler talk.  When I go to Pasadena and visit my dad and Adam, I can take Adam out to get frozen yogurt and help my dad figure out itunes. I can have family dinners and when I ask "how was school this week?" I don't already know the answer.

When I go climbing at the gym I can actually focus on new routes, be happy to see all the faces I got to know and love so well again and not just feel like I'm rushing to get home at the end of the day and go to sleep before work the next day.

I will separate myself from the craziness that was my life before and I will be able to really listen, talk to and appreciate all of the people in my life.  I don't mean to say I took advantage of the people in my life, because I have always understood what amazing, beautiful people they all are, what important roles they play in my life and how incredibly grateful I am to have them as part of my life. But the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality will make me just that much more excited to see them when I get the chance to.  I think that although I am physically less present in the lives of people I admire, care about and love, ultimately, I will be able to be there for them in a much better way than I ever could before.

Will the sting of being so far away from everyone ever go away? Probably not, but I can begin to bridge the gap by doing things better. Remembering birthdays, sending letters, making actual phone calls (as opposed to an impersonal, informal text message) and being a better person, family member and friend to everyone.

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